Why you stay even when you know you should go or at the very least take a break.
Have you been in a relationship where it doesn’t’ seem right, things seem off but you can’t quite place your finger on it?
Where you feel like everything is your fault, yet deep down you are not so sure it is your fault, but you can’t seem to get back to the love you once had?
Maybe you are in a relationship that you know is outright abusive? Or you suspect you are experiencing emotional, verbal, physical, financial, sexual or psychological abuse and you know if he just stopped treating you that way, everything would go back to how it used to be?
Perhaps your relationship is bad but not bad enough to leave quite yet. You are unhappy a lot of the time and leaving is becoming a serious option. If you could just get him to hear you, things would be better.
Are you in a relationship you know you should leave but something keeps you hooked in? Wanting to give it one more chance, and another chance and honestly just one more chance, and yet you keep staying, waiting for him to change after all the chances you have given him?
I want you to know that these are very common thoughts and feelings.
Feeling confused or knowing your relationship isn’t working but wanting to try everything to salvage it is normal. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to save your relationship, even toxic or abusive ones.
And it is very normal to try everything and still be unable to save the relationship. It is natural to keep trying, thinking something must work to finally fix it.
After all, you do not give up easily and are willing to fight for your relationship.
And it is good to fight for a relationship that is salvable.
The problem we get into is whether it is salvable or not. Many times we convince ourselves the relationship is salvable when we are too much of a mess emotionally to make that kind of decision.
The big question is why do you stay when you are emotionally a mess and unable to really know for sure what to do? And how did you get to an emotionally messy place anyway?
Because toxic people keep you focused on them.
Toxic people keep you focused on them so that you cannot figure out how you feel or what is best for you. And they do this on purpose, even if it is subconsciously.
You may be asking yourself how does he keep me focused on him? I am focused on the relationship and fixing it. I am doing everything I can think of to stop his upset and anger.
Toxic people keep you hooked into thinking about them by creating chaos in one form or another in your relationship.
His moods, responses and behaviors are your focus, and you forget to take care of you or even notice the toll his toxicity is taking on you.
You are constantly worried how he will react to this and that, which keeps you focused on him and his reaction all the time.
It is a really good tactic for him, but not good for you.
It is a good tactic for him because it keeps you confused and believing if you just do “everything right”, he won’t be upset and that keeps you stuck being his punching bag because you “never get it right” (according to him). Like I said good for him, not good for you.
When you are walking on eggshells, afraid to be yourself because you fear his response or behavior, that is a tactic to keep you focused on him and his possible his moods and behaviors and you don’t notice the toxic way he is handling his reactions.
When he is blaming you for his upset or something you did “wrong”, that is his tactic to keep you focused on him and how you have wronged him rather than focused on his hurtful, toxic or abusive response and behavior.
When he is yelling at you, that is his tactic for you to focus on his anger instead of how he is treating you by yelling at you and making you wrong.
When he is accusing you, that is his tactic for you to defend yourself and not notice how he is treating you and making you wrong (and probably projecting his own behavior onto you).
Toxic people are quite skilled at creating chaos.
The favorite ways toxic people create chaos is to blame, bully, criticize, judge, yell, rage, accuse, call you names, threaten, hit, shove, grab, throw things, stand in your way, withhold access to money in some way, and all the other millions of ways they like to create confusion so you feel it is your fault.
His intention is to get you to believe if you are “just perfect” or “get it right”, you have the control to fix the relationship and to fix him.
When you feel it is your fault, you focus more and more on him and how you have upset him. Bingo, you now will work harder to save him and the relationship, which is his goal, you doing all the work.
We tend to buy into these lies because we believe we can fix the relationship by managing his moods and behavior and avoiding his upset. We believe it must be us so we can fix that.
All of his toxic behaviors are meant to create chaos and confusion while triggering your beliefs around “it is your fault” so you stay hooked into the relationship.
The main reason he does this is so he doesn’t have to take responsibility for his moods and behaviors. His tactic is to get you to take responsibility for his upset because he knows you will believe it is your fault.
The truth is you cannot get him to change by “getting it right” or “by being perfect”. His responses are his responses, period. You do not cause them or create them, he does.
I realize this idea that toxic people keep you focused on them is most likely new to you, just as it was new to me years ago when I discovered what I was doing.
As I spent time observing my relationship with my spouse at the time, I could see that I was focused on him, day and night.
When I woke up, I thought about him and the day before wishing I could have ‘gotten things right”, then I walked on eggshells all day as to avoid doing anything that might upset him then or later (we owned a business together), then I went to bed thinking about him and wondering what I could have done differently to fix things, aka, not upset him.
I bet you do this too, at least to some extent. I get it. I did it. And I got free of it.
I have taken all I have discovered in my training and experiences to create a 1:1 coaching program to help women just like you who are suffering in their relationship and not realizing they are focused on their toxic spouse, partner or boyfriend.
I will help you go from self-doubt to self-love and create the relationship of your wildest dreams in your current relationship or in a new, healthy relationship.